Alita: Battle Angel

3.5 out of 5 stars

Now I’m angry.

I didn‘t plan on writing anything about «Alita: Battle Angel» and just make it a quicky this time around. Or should I say «Alita: Battle Angel – Part Fu**ing One»? But nooo, they had to do this their way, didn’t they!?

The unwillingness of telling a complete story in a single film really pisses me off! It’s one thing to make a bunch of sequels after having delivered a successful initial film, fair enough. But until then, I expect a first coherent, finished standalone movie before the right is earned to bull pullshit like this! Not an episode, a movie!

Imagine «From Dusk Till Dawn» ending when the Gecko brothers enter the «Titty Twister». It’s like having «Titanic» cut to credits after Leo’s «I’m the king of the world!» speech. That’s exactly what the ending of «Alita: Battle Angel» feels like. (And don’t give me some pittyful casting-twist-crap, it really doesn’t help your case).

It’s not like «Alita: The Setup» doesn’t overstay its welcome by at least 20 minutes as it is. And I understand that the complete story of the manga it’s based on would probably be too big to handle in a single movie.

But please! This is just annoying as fu*k, leaving me unsatisfied and with an empty feeling, no matter how shiny and spectacular the whole build-up process for a money-making franchise might be.

«Earn this!»

And would you pleeeease get rid of that godawful Real 3D-technology already or at least adjust the projector’s brightness properly so that the expensive CGI gets a chance to shine, for cryin’ out loud!?

  • Storytelling: 🐷🐷
  • Characters: 🐷🐷
  • Acting: 🐷🐷🐷
  • Drama, Baby: 🐷
  • Fun: 🐷🐷🐷
  • Humour: 🐷🐷
  • Visuals: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷
  • Music and Sound: 🐷🐷🐷
  • Originality: 🐷🐷
  • Entertainment value: 🐷🐷🐷🐷
  • Production value: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷
  • Satisfaction: 🐷🐷

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