Category: DC

The only good thing I can write about «Aquaman» is that it ends. (Which is true in more than one way; the final 10 minutes of the movie were almost enjoyable).

But since this appalling piece of crab (yes, I just wrote that) presented itself as such an offending incoherent mess, I really don’t feel like making an effort here, either. So let’s just open the floodgates, shall we:

• Can we let the DC Extended Universe die now, please? At this point it’s just intolerable cruelty.
• This movie has the pacing and elegance of a very bad «Family Guy» episode.
• «Uncanny Valley – The Movie»
• You know you’re in trouble when Patrick Wilson steals the movie. (Not that he’s bad or anything, but you know, he’s Patrick Wilson).
• On the bright side, «The Shape of Water» is no longer my most hated water-related film of late.
• Poor Jason Momoa wasn’t given anything to work with whatsoever.
• You know you’re in trouble when I think Jason Momoa was underused. (Not that he’s bad or anything, but you know, he’s Jason Momoa).
• This movie feels longer than Willem Dafoe’s dong. And it’s almost as painful to watch as its scene in Lars von Trier’s «Antichrist».
• Like watching eight awful movies in parallel – while sitting on a trident, and not the comfortable way.
• You had to cram «Black Manta» into this, did you? BTW, have you even seen «Black Panther»?
• You know you’re in trouble when Dolph Lundgren’s hair becomes the most fascinating thing in the scene.
• Sicily, reaally? You don’t say?!
• Harry Gregson-Williams has a brother?!
• Directed by James Wan does this garbage end?
• Amber please stop, it Heards!
• I’ve seen way better versions of this made by children in the winter. It’s called «Snowman».
• I’ve seen way better versions of this made by dogs in the winter. It’s called «yellow snow».
• I’ve seen way better versions of this made by my anus in the winter. It’s called «shit».
• Aw, just Faqu,man!