The only good thing I can write about «Aquaman» is that it ends. (Which is true in more than one way; the final 10 minutes of the movie where almost enjoyable).
But since this appalling piece of crab (yes, I just wrote that) presented itself as such an offending incoherent mess, I really don’t feel like making an effort here, either. So let’s just open the floodgates, shall we:
Can we let the DC Extended Universe die now, please? At this point it’s just intolerable cruelty.
This movie has the pacing and elegance of a very bad «Family Guy» episode.
«Uncanny Valley – The Movie»
You know you’re in trouble when Patrick Wilson steals the movie. (Not that he’s bad or anything, but you know, he’s Patrick Wilson).
On the bright side, «The Shape of Water» is no longer my most hated water-related film of late.
Poor Jason Momoa wasn’t given anything to work with whatsoever.
You know you’re in trouble when I think Jason Momoa was underused. (Not that he’s bad or anything, but you know, he’s Jason Momoa).
This movie feels longer than Willem Dafoe’s dong. And it’s almost as painful to watch as its scene in Lars von Trier’s «Antichrist».
Like watching eight awful movies in parallel – while sitting on a trident, and not the comfortable way.
You had to cram «Black Manta» into this, did you? BTW, have you even seen «Black Panther»?
You know you’re in trouble when Dolph Lundgren’s hair becomes the most fascinating thing in the scene.
Sicily, reaally? You don’t say?!
Harry Gregson-Williams has a brother?!
Directed by James Wan does this garbage end?
Amber please stop, it Heards!
I’ve seen way better versions of this made by children in the winter. It’s called «Snowman».
I’ve seen way better versions of this made by dogs in the winter. It’s called «yellow snow».
I’ve seen way better versions of this made by my anus in the winter. It’s called «shit».